The Tragedy Of Testosterone Poisoning


Greetings all, Steve here. Ow. My back hurts. Ow! Well, it’s my own fault. I’ve thrown my back out twice in my life and both times were after I lost a fight with a Swiss exercise ball. Swiss people must be very flexible, but I’m not, at least not anymore. Ow:( But it’s not my fault. It’s genetics. I am just one more victim of testosterone poisoning.

Testosterone poisoning has to do with the nature of the male human creature and his function in society. We used to need lots of testosterone and now we don’t, anymore. My girlfriend Meghan and I had a discussion the other day about the nature of men and women. I said that women were overly complicated and she claimed that men are too simple. This seemed unfair to me, but I contemplated her words later that night. Meghan had gone for a night with the girls to share their thoughts and emotions about the challenges of life, both good and bad and unload the stress of the week. I stayed home and are a bag of oats.

O.k., so maybe men are kind of simple, but it used to work so well for us, you see. In the bad old days, men had to fend off attackers from the Big Gonad Clan and the only thing those buggers understand is a strong show of force. And so developed simple, aggressive male behavioral patterns, things like hooting, yelling, throwing things and trying to kill people and possibly peeing on things. This type of behavior can still be seen in the National Football League.

Unfortunately, outside of the NFL this sort of behavior won’t get you very far today, but the entrenched male behavior patterns affect us still. You may have heard the story about the Eastern European man who died trying to open a grenade with a chainsaw. ‘Nuf said. We don’t need to fend off anybody these days, unless we work in a convenience store, but these aggressive patterns remain. Part of the male brain still believes that at any minute the Big Gonad Clan are going to show up and he’ll have to spring into action, but peeing on things is not generally considered to be a savvy, high-powered business move these days, even in your most aggressive companies. Thus, the testosterone builds up and men do stupid things. What to do?

The tragedy of testosterone poisoning can be found in males everywhere, even, sadly, in me, ergo my hurting back. I showed that Swiss ball who was boss though. It thought it was all cool. No way that ball was going to get away with just sittin’ there on the floor, bein’ round. I showed it. Ow. Testosterone poisoning strikes again.

The problem affects every area of our lives, both business and personal. It’s not that anyone’s terribly impressed when a man throws a fax machine through a plate glass window. Except for other guys who are secretly impressed, but have to pretend not to be.

I’d like to suggest some alternatives for the modern male to minimize the affect of testosterone poisoning, in the form of organized group male activities. And I ain’t talkin’ about softball here folks. I’m talking about:

  • Ceremonially pushing a pushing a grand piano off a train bridge.
  • Catapulting something.
  • Playing with an attack dog.
  • Attacking an attack dog.
  • Reading the Bible in Klingon over the company intercom, all day.
  • Two video game controllers. Three men. Three baseball bats.
  • Throwing a fax machine through a plate glass window.

These are just a few suggestions for activities to minimize testosterone poisoning. Does anyone have any they’d like to share or tragic stories of testosterone poisoning they’d like to tell us? Come on people! Together, we can beat testosterone poisoning.

Until next time, keep your pen on the page and ow, my back!

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